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We all know that if children are deprived of certain vitamins during their formative years, such as Vitamins A, B or D, they suffer lifelong problems. Likewise, the lack of vitamin "L" – love – can create emotional handicaps. 27 Comments Posted
This is a beautiful and healing message. It's true - not all mothers love their children. As I've been able to realize that it was her inability to love, rather than my failings, that resulted in the distance between us, I was able to forgive her for not giving me what I needed so much. It doesn't mean I'm going to expose myself to abuse again - but I could let go of some of the pain, mourn my own losses, and let go of my anger. A very important message!
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First: I'm sure this essay has helped many people... But I must say that I feel certain aspects were not emphasized:
One of the very fundamentals of the "Torah of Life" is knowing that ULTIMATELY anything that has ever happened, regardless of who has carried out the actual deed...it was/is all for the good! For example: The HOLOCAUST...
One thing we can definitely take from it, instead of just a lot of purposeless sorrow, is, to view each and every jew for who they REALLY are. "A Jew!" Exactly as the world saw us. As long as we were born jewish, that's all that mattered to them.
This is POSITIVE. Not the death, rather the outcome of what we can positively gain from any such type of events that represent themselves as destructive obstacles that need to be removed in order for life to continue buoyantly.
However, that would be denying oneself of their personal advancement to rise above all and not simply to disregard its meaningful purpose.
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Miriam
In your article you only make reference to a mother's love as being able to foster self esteem. And that with it's absence a child can not be nourished.
What of a father's love?
Care to comment?
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Is Autism considered an "emotional disturbance" these days?
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This article was wonderful. To me it is unthinkable that a mother could not love her own child, but I know firsthand what it is to be told by both parents that I was worthless. We children were taught to be suspicious of one another. There was no affection in the home. In fact, one sibling absolutely despises me and publicly told me he hoped I would die first so he could laugh at my grave. (I don't think highly of him either, but am content just to have him out of my life.) I vowed that the one gift I would give to my children would be the knowledge that their mother loves them, no matter what. I gratefully and humbly can say that I succeeded, or so they have told me. They also dearly love each other, which is their greatest gift to me.
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This article brought so many tears to my eyes. It is like G-d heard and answered a prayer that I didn't even know I'd made. I have struggled for years with the effects of the emotional abuse and neglect I suffered from my mother. And the hardest part, for me, has always been to even acknowledge that my mother didn't really love me, because nobody wants to believe that. But your entire article speaks of my life. And I want to thank you for that healing message. Because the biggest fear that I have about all this is that I can't heal from such deeply ingrained damage and habits.
To the person who asked about a father's love: I think a father's love is very important. I'm sure it helped save me. But there is something uniquely essential about a mother's love for building a strong bonding capability. I'm speaking from experience and stories from friends who have had abusive fathers but loving mothers - they do not have the same type of damage to their self-esteem/image.
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You hit upon an important phenomenon that is more prevalent than is thought. The emotional trauma goes into adulthood. It is kind of you to give 11 perspectives by which child ' abuse ' can be ' beaten '.
Thank you.
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Maybe some of this advice might work for romantic/sexual love not received during adolescence and young adulthood. Children aren't the only age group in need of "vitamins". It's sad when all the discussions are about mitigating the damages of deficiencies, thereby precluding the painful topic of what could have been.
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I am distressed that all people living with mental illnesses such as anxiety, autism, depression, personality disorders and OCD, among others, are tarred with the same brush, being accused of not being able to love their children. This MAY be true for a few, but the overwhelming majority do love their children and do their best to be loving toward them, even when it is difficult.
As a woman who lives with depression and an anxiety disorder, I know that I was loving toward my children most of the time, though I certainly regret some impatient moments and those when my judgment was not all I wish it was. My sons always knew I loved them despite my struggles.
Please do not stigmatize people who live with mental illness. Please do learn about what living with a mental illness is really about.
As for children who feel unloved, whether it is true in fact or just in their heads, I urge them to find ways to reparent themselves.
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Love can't be manufactured on demand. Some women have babies they did not want because they were told:
It their duty to produce children - torah.
They are selfish because their parents wish to be grandparents.
You will feel different when you have the baby in your arms. - WRONG!!!
So I had a baby - the result is not her fault - I know that - but I did not love her - I could not give what I did not have in the first place.
I gave my child up rather than ran the risk of hurting her.
At the time - I had such a rage inside me - I hated her & my then husband.
Feelings are just that - DO NOT JUDGE ME FOR THEM - G-d gave me those feelings.
When I was born, G-d was rather short on giving me maternal love - I missed out on that one too.
At least I did not murder my child like a French woman who killed 8 babies - buried in the background - date 30th July 2010. On the news.
Please DO NOT TELL A WOMAN WHO EXPRESSES SHE DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN THAT SHE IS WRONG.
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This article spoke directly to me. My entire life until the day she died, I was told in oh so many ways by my Mom I was not what she wanted. I was a disappointment. And she should never have had me. No one can imagine the turmoil I have felt. And it got worse when I was 18. I had a baby before I was married. And my daughter's father walked away from us when he found out we were going to have a baby. I married a boy I barely knew, because I wanted to keep my daughter, and in the early 1970's that is what was done. My former mother-in-law told me, I needed to have a baby with my husband, to tell him thanks for marrying me and taking my daughter, too. I didn't want to have another baby,but I did, because I didn't know at the age of 20 I could say NO. I wish someone had told me. My husband and I divorced after 2 1/ 2 years of marriage. And I gave him custody of our son. My daughter lived with me. PLEASE you have the right to say, I don't want children. Wish someone had told me.
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Kudos to you for being so open and honest. Your place in the World To Come is as assured and welcomed as any other honest person. You are what is termed a woman of valor. Blessings to you.
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Thank you thank you thank you !!! I am a 62-year-old struggling (still) with the effects of a lack of mother love; not the least of which is an inability to cherish and love myself with compassion - still a work in progress! As I grow older, and as the roles of caregiver and care-receiver are reversed, I am beginning to see and understand my mother, to accept her a very "human" and to remind myself that loving does not and cannot sometimes equal love - I can honor my mother, accept that we really do not like each other, and pray that love will blossom in us both.
This is a challenge. ANd a blessing ...
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To the gentleman who asked if austism is considered an emotional disturbance, I would say yes. My younger brother is autistic and the eccentricities and developmental delays that present with the condition certainly would disrupt the "normalcy" of any family. That's not putting a negative label on autism, just a means by which to live with it and flourish for all involved in the life of the person who suffers from it.
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thanks, Miriam, for this inspiring article. i have learnt over the years that nobody is perfect, including my parents, and that they did the best they could, and i am really grateful for what they gave me, it was the best for my task in life.
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Growing up I was constantly told, "Who could possibly love you?" "Who would want to marry you?" "A parent may love their child, that doesn't necessarily mean they like their child" etc. My mother never hugged or kissed me. My father was abusive, controlling and had a terrible temper. (Thank G-d, he never laid a hand on my mother). Thank G-d, as a young mother in my 20's I was fortunate to have a wonderful therapist who taught me over the years how to nurture my inner child, and eventually to nurture my parents too. My mother and I developed a good relationship much later on in life with my mother eventually showing love (not demonstratively, but still love) towards me. Unfortunately, my father remained abusive and although I care for them both, I have not developed a good relationship with him. I am extremely grateful that my "child" was given the opportunity to mature and learn to accept herself and also to love and accept her parents too.
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Yeah I was hated as a child by my mother, not just "lack of love" but violent resentment for being a burden on her teenage dreams. As an adult I comprehend the emotional immaturity that resulted in that hatred, but my emotional scars cannot be undone. I just live with it like a person missing their legs or arms or even the use of all their muscles. There is no way to make up for what is lost, only to try to fix what is wrong now. I'll never respect humanity or believe the lie that all things happen for good (which is a Christian dogma by the way) but when evil happens we are obligated by Torah to DO something, not just sit on our thumbs and pretend some magical good can EVER come from evil. It DOESN'T. I struggle daily to relate to people as human beings with a divine spark. I have no respect for those who dismiss the suffering of others with religious platitudes. The correct response to hate can be learned from Torah or a Chabad JLI course on a proper response to the Holocaust.
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To reply to Shaul Nemtov - I'm sure that most of the people who have written know that whatever G-d does is good, and as such have risen to this extreme challenge in their lives. Nevertheless, as with every PAINFUL challenge, the scars and hurt do not go away. These people will have to work on themselves and their learnt patterns of mistrust for the rest of their lives. These feelings cannot be dismissed with philosophy and religiosity, no matter how true it may be. How valuable for them to have this article which understands their feelings, and to give them a forum to express their pain and hurt and to share how they have/are growing from their negative experiences that formed their very character. PS. I have heard people from difficult childhoods relating how they developed a close and special relationship to G-d as children which continued into adulthood and helped them to overcome their challenges thru life.
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PLEASE READ:
We must always have free choice! We must not claim insanity...or depression...or anxiety DISORDER! Because then we have no free choice to take these tests and pass with flying colors!
Yes, we've had and we will continue to have DIFFICULT hardships...but that doesn't take away from the fact that, "G-d doesn't give a test you cannot pass!i!i!"
So delving deeper into problems we once had, and releasing those feelings is nothing short of a "waste of time." As the third Lubavicher Rebbe says, "Think GOOD and it will be GOOD."
But let us not forsake the line of tehillim we say many times throughout the day, "G-d, answer me on the day I call." We must ask from G-d too.
It is by Jewish LAW that we serve G-d with HAPPINESS, just as it is to put a mezzuza on our door post.
Start learning about who you really are and the rest is "non-sense."
Good Luck to you and Moshiach NOW!
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Insanity, depression, anxiety disorder and autism are all mental illnesses. Free choice is not as available as it is to a healthy person. Glossing over mental illness drives home the stigma these unfortunates already live under. As well, one who has lost a loved one cannot be expected to put on a Happiness face, as easily as they can hand a mezzuzah.
Jews are reputed for empathy. May you bnear this in mind when you think, speak and do/write.
Good Shabbos all !
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Empathy, kindness, non-judgement, understanding - all are important chassidic traits to cultivate. Only when we have worked on these traits within ourselves are we equipped to advise those less fortunate than ourselves.
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Dear Ladies & Gentlemen,
It appears we have bcome sidetracked by the issue of mental problems - that was not the original topic for discussion.
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Seems to me that the main topic is the lack of viatmin L/love, in childhood which creates emotional handicaps.
Seems to me that the second theme from Dr. Adahan is to incorporate a mental language, 11 examples in all, intended for mental problems.
Am not sure where we got sidetracked. The article is written by a professional psychologist for sufferers of mental problems.
If i am wrong, please kindly tell me what the original topic for discussion was .
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Dear Anonymous,
The original topic was about what if your mother did not love you.
However, nobody has made any comment about the fact that one third of women are not actually emotionally equipped for motherhood. They are likely to be one of those problem mothers.
Sorry but torah does not solve that problem.
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I see what you are getting at. And you are right. We all took our eye off the mother, and this is natural. The children are the ones who suffer and our hearts and minds go out to them. I do not accept your fact about one out of three unfit mother statement. I am entirely in agreement with the author that there are far too many, but one out of three ? I would think one out of ten, and probably get an argument that that is way high. At one out of three, G-d would have known not to command a child to honor their parents. But even here you could answer, the word is honor, not love, and that is a dilemma too. You cannot force love. So G-d makes a parent earn love. It does get complicated. By what you point out it even seems that the author lost her train of thought. The article starts out about mothers, but quickly falls into and elaborates on troubled children. So now i am not sure which of the two the author intended as the main topic.
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Dear Folks,
Why because unfortunately since the beginning of the last century there has been a dramatic incfrease in the break down of the family unit.
This means that a some of those problem mothers grew up in a dis-functional family unit only to become a dis-functional parent. later in life. Most likely mutli-married, children from more than one father etc.
In some cases fostered or adopted out.
Unless that potentially troubled female was blessed with some counselling to resolve some of their own abondonment issues - there is a strong change of bonding problems with people & even their own children.
I remember when I was studying counselling I saw this figure in a clinical study.
Was not mean as a judgement call against these women - they need help - not further condemntion.
Also I was talking from a general point of view, not just Jewish - it was a secular study.
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